Footbullet

When ABC News reported that Leah Remini is planning a tell-all book, Scientology sent a response, which ABC posted. In it, the Church said:

The stale rumor being circulated by unreliable bloggers about [Shelly Miscavige’s whereabouts] was answered definitively by her counsel a year ago and published in Us Magazine and The Telegraph in the UK, as you can see here: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/5-things-you-dont-know-about-scientology-leader-david-miscavige-201257 …

So I went to go see, and sure enough, the Us article (5 Things You Don’t Know About Scientology Leader David Miscavige) says this:

Miscavige’s wife, Michelle “Shelly” Miscavige — a fellow Sea Org member who is said to have set up Cruise and Holmes in 2005 — has not been seen in public since 2007. “She is not missing. Any reports that she is missing are false,” an attorney for Shelly told Us Weekly Friday. “Mrs. Miscavige has been working non-stop in the Church, as she always has.”

But it – and by it, I mean this same article to which Scientology directed ABC and its readers, which of course you know, but this is so delicious that I just have to point it out again – also says this:

“My experience in growing up in Scientology is that it is both mentally and at times physically abusive,” Miscavige’s niece, former Scientologist Jenna Miscavige Hill, told The Hollywood Reporter. “We got a lousy education from unqualified teachers, forced labor, long hours, forced confessions, being held in rooms, not to mention the mental anguish of trying to figure out all of the conflicting information they force upon you as a young child.”

Boy, I sure am glad the Church sent ABC and its readers to that Us article! Hey, Scientology PR flacks – you want a bandage for that foot bullet, or are you going to handle it with a “touch assist”?

ML,
Caliwog

Can I talk dirty to your daughter?

Imagine you have a teenage daughter. I, a grown man, am alone in a room with her, and in response to her questions, I fill her in on the intimate details of my sexual pecadillos. I might tell her how I fantasized about touching my co-worker’s nipples, or about fingering my wife to orgasm under the table at a dinner party, or about the first time I had anal sex. I might get an erection while talking about this – to your teenage daughter, remember – and yes, I would tell her that I am aroused. And all the while, your daughter will be alternating between taking notes and looking directly into my eyes.

In the outside world, I would be charged with a crime.

In the Church of Scientology, I would be charged a hundred bucks for auditing.

Auditing is the process that the Church likes to describe as a harmless and helpful form of pastoral counseling. It’s based on abreaction therapy, in which a person looks at earlier causes for issues that are holding them back. Unlike therapy (and like confession), Scientologsts are encouraged to talk about their sins (“overts and withholds”) during “counseling.” Unlike therapy or confession, auditing is done using a crude electronic lie detector with someone whose credentials are meaningless outside of the Church of Scientology. And that someone could well be a young teenage girl. (Or boy. David Miscavige was an auditor when he was in his teens.)

This is a consequence of Hubbard’s concept that children are not children; instead they are very old spirits – “Thetans” – in small bodies. To outsiders, there is a world of difference between a fifteen year old girl and a fifty year old man. To Scientologists, they are virtually identical in age, since thetans live for countless billions of years. Hell, they may as well be twins. What does it matter if he tells her that he likes to grab women by the hair while they fellate him? She probably did the same thing in several past lifetimes.

If I were in law enforcement, I’d be interested to know more about this. Religions are not immune to sexual scandal. Talking dirty to a teenager is not exactly on the level of older men sexually abusing younger boys, but that doesn’t make it okay. If someone were telling my teenage daughter about their sexual pecadillos, I’d want to know about it. And I’d probably want to press charges.

Unless I was a Scientologist, in which case I’d want to congratulate my daughter on being such a good auditor. Attractive and smart, too. Shame her thetan happened to pick the body inside my wife’s womb. Perhaps in our next lifetime we’ll meet under different circumstances. That could happen, you know. In fact, why wait until another lifetime? Why not get intimate now? After all, we’re just a couple of loyal officers…

Far-fetched, you say? Perverted, you say? Well, I bet people used to say the same thing about priests – priests, mind you! – having anal intercourse with altar boys.

Remember, this is a Scientology concept, not a Church concept. I’m sure there are plenty of independent Scientologists encouraging their teenage sons and daughters to become auditors. Hey, what did you just think? That got a read on the E-Meter. You were thinking about being sexually aroused by me? Tell me about an earlier similar incident when you were sexually aroused by someone inapproproately young. Let’s go through the entire incident, everything you were thinking and feeling. Let’s go through it again. And again.

Maybe it’s time for law enforcement to have a closer look at the relationships between adults and children in Scientology – both in the Church and the independent field. Don’t you think?

ML,
Caliwog