Best Scientology pick-up line?

I will never forget the first time I went for word clearing on the e-meter. The auditor, who was wearing a low cut sweater, looked me straight in the eyes and said “Squeeze the cans, please.” It took a second before I realized she meant the e-meter cans.

Ever since then, I’ve been obsessed with Scientology pick-up lines. Here are a few that I’ve come up with:

  • “Congratulations! You’ve gone Clear… to my heart.”
  • “Is that a cluster of body thetans in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “Your body is in screaming affluence!”
  • “I’m bad luck. Why don’t you pull me in?”
  • “I’ve got some charge you can blow!”
  • “Wanna MEST around?”
  • “My org needs a touch assist.”
  • “What’s a pretty girl like you doing on a prison planet like this?”

And, of course:

  • “How’d you like to pick up these cans?”

Let’s hear yours. Have at it, peoples.


24 responses to “Best Scientology pick-up line?

  1. Join me on the Bridge to Total Passion!

  2. It’s late and I’m tired, but I’ll try to pass these off:

    ” Would you mind auditing me on the Happiness Rubdown? ”
    “Perhaps you can help me with my PTP by snapping terminals with me and being my twin on some TNA processing.”

    “I’ll assign you a post, but I really don’t mind if you blow it” (a bit weak…)

    Done for now.

  3. lurker(not the mostly)

    lol…. well…. What I want to know if any scio chickie ever fell for any of these lines? Some of these take me back to my dating days (in the time of dinosaurs) and make me glad I no longer am in the dating scene…

    The worst one I ever heard was, “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?” I guess you could stick a Body thetan or emeter, in for just body… The good thing is that song is so old, some girl might even think you were highly original…

  4. Wanna check out my sound system? It goes to Tone 41.

  5. Helmuth, speaking for Boskone

    “Where have you been all my Whole Track?”
    “Weren’t we married in a previous life?”
    “Didn’t I see you at the Implant Station?”
    “You make my needle float.”

  6. You can blow my org any day.

  7. Whenever I see you, my tone arm rises!

    Want to help me get my stats up?

    Let’s go somewhere and postulate you out of that dress.

    Let’s co-audit on OT LXIX.

    No need to be 3 feet back of THIS head!

  8. “You make my Levis expand faster than the idle morg project.”
    “I’d like to make a donation to your thetan”
    “Would you like to ride my face to total freedom?”

  9. William Johnson

    I really do understand the spirit in which this was posted, it is funny as hell! But on a serious note, I can’t imagine EVER trying to pick up a $cientologist…too much baggage!
    Again Lulzy as hell!!

  10. seriously, does anyone have a spare set of the basic books?

    I would like to do an internet site detailing the flaws in all of them, piece by piece.

  11. “hey baby, wanna goof the floof?”

  12. “Can you help me meet my dissemination targets? I’ll let you be in a condition of power.”

  13. lurker(not the mostly)

    You guys are killing me…. Its no wonder Scientology is dying out, if these are the lines…. heh… Girls just aren’t made this young and dumb anymore

  14. Marty Rugburn

    Hey Baby…come to this Gulaxie often?

  15. You’re so sexy that you make me exteriorize.
    And then, i just went Whooooooooosh!

  16. Stand up. Thank you.
    Sit down on my face. Thank you.

  17. Katheryn Harrison

    Scientology IS NOT A CHURCH!!! Athiests!!!

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