Happy 100th birthday, L. Ron Hubbard!

Dear Ron,

I hope you don’t mind me writing to you like this. I know those freedom-hating critics of yours say you died in 1986 (with an ass-full of psych meds, no less), but like your followers, I believe you are merely exterior to your old body and hanging around on a distant planet somewhere. I’m not sure how much postage it takes to send a letter to another planet, so I just figured I’d post this on the Internet, and since you’re “exterior” you could read it over someone’s shoulder.

Hey, do you have the Internet where you are? I hope so, because it’s really fucking cool… oh, wait, I forgot, the Internet is the very thing that is bringing down the Church you worked so hard to build. Wow, this is awkward. Sorry. Um… so, do you have the new iPad 2 where you are?

Oh, speaking of the iPad 2, next time you’re down here on Teegeeack, you and Steve Jobs really ought to exchange notes.

Anyway, I’m writing to wish you a happy 100th birthday! Your Church, or what’s left of it, is making a really big deal out of this. Which is kind of strange, actually – after all, your doctrine says we’re trillion-year-old-spirits, so I suppose a hundredth birthday is not really much of a milestone. You always did complain about your followers not listening. But this whole hundredth birthday bash is a great way to get donations!

Oh, about the donations… that little scam seems to be running into trouble, Ron. Lots of Scientologists are screaming that the IAS is “out-exchange,” collecting membership fees – sorry, donations (and by the way did you see how they changed that policy after your body croaked?) – and giving nothing in return. I think it’s time you came back to Earth to show these slackers how it’s done! After all, you created the HASI, which also required membership before one could buy Scientology services, and no one complained then. Well, some people did complain, but you knew how to take care of them, right, Ron? Just ask Paulette Cooper!

So David Miscavige and his managers (the ones who are left) are too busy bailing their sinking ship to defend your good name, but Independent Scientologists are doing a brilliant job. They’re waging a campaign to blame the Church’s human rights abuses and other crimes on Little Dave, while making it sound like you were just a sweet old man. It’s great PR – they’ve really got your “tell an acceptable truth” policy down pat, to the point where the people repeating the lies actually believe them!

Speaking of the Independents, did you see the poem Marty Rathbun wrote about you? It’s fantastic – it makes you sound like a loving husband and father, a generous humanitarian, and a supporter of free thought. I love the part about you having four kids, totally ignoring the three you abandoned from your first two wives. There’s even a bit that makes it sound like David Miscavige tore apart your marriage to Mary Sue! Even a celebrated author like you, Ron, has to admit that’s some pretty damn good fiction.

(By the way, if you sing his poem to the tune of David Brent‘s Princess Diana song, it works pretty well. It just needs a chorus… How about “Good night, my sweet con man?”)

Back to Mary Sue – be sure to send her my love, assuming she’s still talking to you after you let her take the fall for you and go to jail while you hid out in sunny California. And by the way, do you ever see your son Quentin? Did you ever forgive him for committing suicde? I’ve heard how much that pissed you off. It’s terrible when a child dies – so much negative PR.

So, anyway, everything is great down here on Planet Earth. Hope you’re feeling well wherever you are. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to exposing the truth about you and your so-called religion. Happy trillion-and-hundredth birthday, you ol’ fraud!


15 responses to “Happy 100th birthday, L. Ron Hubbard!

  1. I’m impressed you read the poem. I couldn’t get past the first stanza.

  2. You said your legacy would be the tech
but YOU AND THE NEXT dictator said otherwise
and the church began its demise

    BUT STILL CONTINUED to hurt came to those who would object

    You said there was no hidden data line
 but the NEXT dictator said he knew better 
and burned all of your policy letters
and the church went into long term decline

    You said the tech was timeless and free

    but YOU AND the NEXT dictator wanted power and cash
and made your “truth” a EVEN MORE confusing hash
USING status and greed TO SELL THE state of OT

    You acknowledged the loyalty of your gracious wife WHO WENT TO JAIL FOR YOU FOR YEARS OF HER LIFE
but the CURRENT dictator used her as a stepping stone 
and she died forgotten, friendless and alone 
and thus he erased your dear Manuela from your life

    You raised three fine children and one who died too soon

    but the NEW dictator wanted them forgotten too

    and your progeny turned from sunshine to blue

    and the many who loved you wept under a sorrowful moon

    You had faith that your friends would make it come out right
but the dictator mis-used your treasure to enervate them

    and black dianetics, reverse scientology internecine mayhem
and with violence did he destroy their willingness to fight

    You said only truth could penetrate thick armor plate
and though the dictator protested this fact 
it was your ace in the hole that has our back
and everyday now more are working to reverse your fate

    And alas, it may take time and a perilous struggle, 
but we assure you it is too late to reverse our DESTRUCTIVE TSUNAMI tide
you’ve got friends to the end of time on your side, 
and come hell or high water we’ll emerge from this jungle AND ENSLAVE

    Because we know you were right that the truth shall set us free

    and that is one thing no dictator (EVEN YOU) will ever take away
it will be FREE HUMANS standing at the end of day
 humanity freed OF SCIENTOLOGY’S ORIGINAL CRIMINALITY, the only proper acknowledgment of thee

  3. “You raised three fine children and one who died too soon

    but the NEW dictator wanted them forgotten too”

    LOL – is this reference to Hubbard forgetting that although he didn’t raise them, he had more than 4 children and more wives than he claimed, as well.

  4. “wept under a sorrowful moon” WTF ???? who writes like that ? I could not get passed that line, in fact, i had to use the rest-room to spit out the puke that rose up to the back of my mouth.
    Really, just horrible, and my eyes are still burning, LRH in that fucking beanie, really?REALLY? Did ANYONE dress like that?????

  5. I found the poem to be deliciously awful, just like a 1970s disaster movie! I wonder if Marty is a Vogon. (Douglas Adams fans will understand.)

    Trying to remember if the Art Series had any “tech” on poetry – I’ll have to look that up later. I bet the poem conforms! Gotta love that A-B-B-A rhyming scheme.


  6. PS, I almost forgot about the extra kids! I have to add a reference to that. Thanks, Catfish!


  7. AFAIK, the Art Series has no tech on poetry. Only a mention that it, as all art, conveys a message.

    I gotta tell ya, that Art Series bothered me when it came out and I had forgotten my upset with this until you mentioned the series. (Thanks! And I am not being sarcastic.) Thank God that I wasn’t posted somewhere where my art/creativity was involved. Even without a creative post, and even though I couldn’t bring myself to read and embrace the art-tech, I no longer expressed self thru art as a scientologist, as I didn’t want that expression to be judged with the tech.

    In hindsight the art series might have been part of my scientology undoing. Here was Hubbard now laying down his tech for how it was to be done, what it meant and such. My art was the one personal, all my own way of expression that hadn’t been stolen or squashed by scientology- until the art series – AKA Hubbard treading on my one little spec of self that was left.

  8. Great work Cali,

    I was hoping you would read the poem and comment and you delivered. And the David Brent reference was simply a delight. You can almost see Gareth nodding his head in agreement with Marty…

    I loved in the comments section where somebody mentions that Hubbard and Mary Sue are somehow up in the sky cuddling. LMFAO. The same MSH that he sent to jail???
    What a deluded bunch of ass-kissers they are over there.

  9. A few months back, I started a blog entry about the Art Series. I never finished it. It’s like coming across a mountain I have to cross – it’s such a big thing, I can’t decide what is the best approach to take.

    I mean, come on – policies that tell people how to view art? Policies that define art? Policies that say how it’s to be done?

    And have you ever seen Scientology art? Catfish, I’m sure you have. It’s mostly sci-fi bullshit that looks like the sort of thing placed in anonymous office buildings.

    And of course, Hubbard lays waste to the idea that art cannot be defined. LRH can define and codify it, just like anything.

    As if people are fucking robots, unable to perceive or to be moved by beauty.

    There’s a lot of rotten stuff in the Tech, but the Art Series is probably one of the worst of them – and it’s so subtle that many will gloss right over it. It’ll bother them, but they don’t know why.

    Glad you picked up on it, Catfish. Maybe it’s time to give that blog entry another whack…


  10. >You can almost see Gareth nodding his head in agreement with Marty…

    Do you think Mike Rinder is Assistant COB of Casablanca, or Assistant TO the COB of Casablanca?


  11. Definitely assistant _to_ the COB. Maybe he’ll get to put up a “Mike Rinder investigates” sign one of these days.

  12. Alex Braverman

    Artfully written and fun to read. Thanks for sharing.

  13. You are right about the sci-fi art. In the late 70’s, early 80’s there was a real talented artist (sorry I can’t remember his name) who’s job was to create the sci-fi drawings for the magazine. His art was picked apart and I could feel his pain. Nothing like being sent to cramming for your art.

    Now that I can freely state my likes – I never liked LRH’s music, didn’t like the sci-fi, and thought his movies seemed like a production that a 12 year old could do. LOL, guess that was pretty close to the messenger ages and the kids that worked on the set.

  14. In the 80’s I’ve had known the artists (they were married) that made art illustrations with air brushing for Source magazine at Flag.
    I was sometimes escaping working for watching him working is his tiny studio and starting from a blank canva and creating a whole universe with sparkling stars within few hours.

    They did not learn their art within scientology – scientology Hakked their art.

    Tremendously talented people that were really cool, kind, attentionate, while we could hear day long the ED of the org screaming and yelling to people , humiliate them, trating them like shit and put me at fear. Because I know the day he would yell at me I would say : Fu….you sss.. and get in a lot of problems . He never did to me.

    They made my journey there , at Flag, more human, put a bit of beauty and made me beleive that there weresome human being there, not only slaves and slaves keeper Rondroides

    An opportunity for me to thank’s him, for letting me watch him worked, in his studio, without telling I was hiding there (few times a day) to get some peace and beauty within me.

    I hope they are out of Scn an creating what they have in their own mind, and continue to embelish hearts and make beauty in ugly worlds. Hope they are making a good living and happy.

  15. I think this is a better Ode to LRH…

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