I hope you don’t mind me writing to you like this. I know those freedom-hating critics of yours say you died in 1986 (with an ass-full of psych meds, no less), but like your followers, I believe you are merely exterior to your old body and hanging around on a distant planet somewhere. I’m not sure how much postage it takes to send a letter to another planet, so I just figured I’d post this on the Internet, and since you’re “exterior” you could read it over someone’s shoulder.
Hey, do you have the Internet where you are? I hope so, because it’s really fucking cool… oh, wait, I forgot, the Internet is the very thing that is bringing down the Church you worked so hard to build. Wow, this is awkward. Sorry. Um… so, do you have the new iPad 2 where you are?
Oh, speaking of the iPad 2, next time you’re down here on Teegeeack, you and Steve Jobs really ought to exchange notes.
Anyway, I’m writing to wish you a happy 100th birthday! Your Church, or what’s left of it, is making a really big deal out of this. Which is kind of strange, actually – after all, your doctrine says we’re trillion-year-old-spirits, so I suppose a hundredth birthday is not really much of a milestone. You always did complain about your followers not listening. But this whole hundredth birthday bash is a great way to get donations!
Oh, about the donations… that little scam seems to be running into trouble, Ron. Lots of Scientologists are screaming that the IAS is “out-exchange,” collecting membership fees – sorry, donations (and by the way did you see how they changed that policy after your body croaked?) – and giving nothing in return. I think it’s time you came back to Earth to show these slackers how it’s done! After all, you created the HASI, which also required membership before one could buy Scientology services, and no one complained then. Well, some people did complain, but you knew how to take care of them, right, Ron? Just ask Paulette Cooper!
So David Miscavige and his managers (the ones who are left) are too busy bailing their sinking ship to defend your good name, but Independent Scientologists are doing a brilliant job. They’re waging a campaign to blame the Church’s human rights abuses and other crimes on Little Dave, while making it sound like you were just a sweet old man. It’s great PR – they’ve really got your “tell an acceptable truth” policy down pat, to the point where the people repeating the lies actually believe them!
Speaking of the Independents, did you see the poem Marty Rathbun wrote about you? It’s fantastic – it makes you sound like a loving husband and father, a generous humanitarian, and a supporter of free thought. I love the part about you having four kids, totally ignoring the three you abandoned from your first two wives. There’s even a bit that makes it sound like David Miscavige tore apart your marriage to Mary Sue! Even a celebrated author like you, Ron, has to admit that’s some pretty damn good fiction.
Back to Mary Sue – be sure to send her my love, assuming she’s still talking to you after you let her take the fall for you and go to jail while you hid out in sunny California. And by the way, do you ever see your son Quentin? Did you ever forgive him for committing suicde? I’ve heard how much that pissed you off. It’s terrible when a child dies – so much negative PR.
So, anyway, everything is great down here on Planet Earth. Hope you’re feeling well wherever you are. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to exposing the truth about you and your so-called religion. Happy trillion-and-hundredth birthday, you ol’ fraud!