How Scientology keeps the doctor away

I’m sorry my blog entry was a little late today – you see, I have a very bad cold, so I’ve been busy trying to find my SP.

Let me explain. I was brought up to believe that the reason I have a cold is because Mrs. Caliwog had a cold, and I couldn’t resist kissing Mrs. Caliwog. Germs were transferred and now I look like I should be starring in a Mucinex commercial.

According to L. Ron Hubbard, that’s not how it works at all.

Scientology teaches that “All illness in greater or lesser degree and all foul-ups stem directly from a PTS condition.”

PTS stands for Potential Trouble Source, and it means a person who is “connected to and being adversely affected by a suppressive person.” A suppressive person (SP) is “a person who seeks to suppress, or squash, any betterment activity or group.”

Does that make sense? No? No worries, LRH repeats it several times in several different ways:

“A PTS person… became prone to deficiency or pathological illness because he was PTS. And unless the condition is relieved, no matter what medication or nutrition he may be given, he might not recover and certainly will not recover permanently.”

So wait, LRH, does that mean that if PTS is keeping him sick, there might be something else that made him sick?

This seems to indicate that there are ‘other illnesses or reasons for illness besides being PTS.’ To be sure, there are deficiencies and illnesses just as there are accidents and injuries. But strangely enough, the person himself precipitates them (causes them to happen) because being PTS predisposes him (makes him susceptible) to them.

Did you get that? If you’re ill, or you have a disease, or you are accident-prone, it’s because your PTS condition makes you vulnerable. Scientologists sometimes refer to this as “pulling it in.” In other words, if I don’t do anything to handle my PTS condition – finding my SP and either straightening him/her out (handling) or cutting him/her out of my life (disconnecting) – this cold will never go away, or it will go away and I’ll get sick again. I may even have a car crash or get hit on the head by some ramdomly-dropped piece of construction equipment.

“Surely you must be joking,” you say. But I’m not: The Church publishes this information on the Internet. Free. (But if free isn’t good enough, you can pay to learn it in the Overcoming Ups and Downs in Life course, available at your nearest Scientology org.)

Now, if I were reading this for the first time, I’d probably think, “Surely not all Scientologists believe this.” You’ll have to take my word for it: They really do. That’s part of what makes Scientology so scary and dangerous.

I have dealt with this first hand, and if you’re still skeptical, you can too, even without becoming a Scientologist. Here’s what you do: Go to work for a WISE company. (WISE is the World Institute of Scientology Enterprises, and it licenses L. Ron Hubbard’s management system, known as the “Administrative Technology.”) As soon as you get a job, do your best to catch a cold, then call in sick. When you get back to work, they will try to put you on the Overcoming Ups and Downs in Life course. For a little extra added fun, wear a neck brace and tell them you tripped in your house or had a car accident. (You may have to take a hammer to your car’s fender; Scientologists aren’t stupid.) Then, back at work, start bumping into people, knocking over coffee cups, etc. Watch how suspicious of you everyone becomes. This really works.

How could anyone believe anything so inane? That’s something I’ll talk about next week in a blog entry entitled “But the technology works!”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to finding my SP so I can set him or her straight or tell them to get out of my life. And to think, when I was a kid, my mother would have me stay in bed and drink plenty of orange juice. She was such an idiot. Hey, maybe she’s my SP!

ML,
Caliwog

P.S. More Scientology medical care: Need to sober up in a hurry? According to LRH, all you have to do is point to things and tell the drunk person to look at them, and you can “handle the situation in a matter of minutes.” Really! The whole procedure can be found online here: How to Make a Person Sober

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One response to “How Scientology keeps the doctor away

  1. Robert Biasotti

    Dear Caliwog,

    In 1901, Allen Upward coined Scientology “as a disparaging term, to indicate a blind, unthinking acceptance of scientific doctrine.” (Wikipedia). Now, if we could substitute “pseudo-scientific, self-serving doublespeak” for the “scientific doctrine”, I think that we would have a real winner of a definition.

    This PTS/Pulling-it-in is such obvious quackery. It is the modern version of Evil Spirits. I’ll go get the eye-of-newt, you go find 23 Sea Org virgins. We’ll all sit in a sauna and chant until LRH’s thetan drives off the evil demon SP.

    I’m sorry. If these people want to believe this shit, it is their right to. BUT IT OUGHT TO BE A FELONY FOR ANYONE TO SELL IT UNDER THE GUISE OF HEALTHCARE!

    One thing that I will say in Dianetics’ favor is that, “How to Make a Person Sober” really DOES work! Note the instruction: “Run until the person is no longer drunk.” That would be about, ummm, 6 to 8 hours? See? You just weren’t persistent enough. One must apply the Tech CORRECTLY. (I say that only partly in jest, since that is one of the traps involved in quackery such as this.)

    In that light, maybe we could re-cast the old blonde joke as a Scilon joke?

    ROOMMATE: Why did you use an ENTIRE bottle of shampoo in one shower?
    SCILON: Well, it SAYS, “Lather, rinse, repeat.”!!
    ROOMMATE: Where are you going, now?
    SCILON: “Duuhh!” To buy more shampoo!

    Get well, friend(s).

    RB

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